When I was just starting my private practice, I had big goals to write a blog because I love to write. Weekly! No, too ambitions…. monthly! Ok… how about an average of one single post every 2-3 years. Oops…. Life happened. A pandemic happened. Political upheaval happened. And here I am… a little behind in my initial goal. I wasn’t expecting that. What I also wasn’t expecting when I started my life as a therapist was that almost a decade later, I would find myself specializing in Infidelity/Betrayal Trauma. But, here I am.
From the start, I have always enjoyed working with couples. Early on, I noticed that infidelity showed up here and there, so I got a little training to ensure I was doing this right. Then it showed up here, there, and everywhere in my practice, so I got a lot of training. Countless hours of training later and even more hours spent with couples moving through this gut-wrenching time in their lives, I feel solidly rooted in this specialty.
What the couples I have worked with have taught me is that betrayal trauma is like a wound. Right after the event of infidelity or the discovery, the wound is gaping, raw, bleeding, so painful and hard to see the extent of the injury. Immediately following the injury, we must tend to it with consistent attention and care. The more effort, patience, and care we give that wound from the start, the better that wound heals, the less gruesome the scar. “But doesn’t time heal all wounds? Won’t this just feel better eventually, and what if this happened so long ago, surely it doesn’t still matter? Right?” Short answer: no. Time does not heal all wounds. I’m actually uncertain of what wounds it does heal. A sunburn, perhaps. What would happen if we give a broken ankle time as the only form of medical intervention? Well, that ankle will never be the same; it will never heal properly because it was never put back in the right spot to allow healing. It might look okay from the outside, eventually. It might not even hinder the person’s gait, eventually. To the outside world, all is well. But whoever is the body and soul attached to that ankle will know the pain and will carry the pain of a wound that was not given the proper care. Even if that ankle was broken 20 years ago, and it really “wasn’t all that bad of a break,” the body will carry the pain.
People ask me if the work is challenging, and it is, undeniably. Infidelity is a shattering experience that impacts individuals and relationships deeply. As a therapist, I see the complex emotions it evokes: betrayal, anger, grief, and confusion, to name just a few. I see partnerships flailing and coming to the brink of hopelessness and defeat. I see this AND. I see pain AND healing. I see broken connections AND repair. And never do I see a couple work so hard as a couple who has no other way out than through. In therapy, you will often hear me say that we are “working to understand the betrayal, not justify it,” as the reasons for infidelity are varied, and exploring underlying issues like unmet needs, communication breakdowns, or individual struggles is crucial.
Therapy provides a safe space to process these emotions, understand contributing factors, and decide on a path forward, whether that involves rebuilding trust or navigating separation. Healing requires honesty, vulnerability, and a willingness to address the pain. When I share that I am a therapist and specialize in infidelity, I often hear, “Cheating would be a dealbreaker.” But what I have learned from the courageous individuals that I work with is that it doesn’t have to be the dealbreaker you’ve always thought it would be.
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